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Hi, my husband and I have been together for 11 years but have only been married for less than two. He's 47, I'm 44 and before we got married we had great sex, whereas now, it seems like he's lost interest. I almost regret getting married, I feel like I should have just left things the way they were. He even fell asleep on our wedding night! Could it have been the marriage that changed our sex life? It's even gotten to the point where although I've never cheated on him, and never would, I still find myself having fantasies about an encounter with another man. Not for relationship reasons, only sexual. Could this mean that I'm more likely to live out my fantasy if our sex life does not improve? Thanks!
This question was submitted to the HSAB by an actual iFriends user, and answered for recent publication.
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Just as women are sometimes not in the mood for sexual intimacy, such is the case with men. Yet chronic lack of interest in sex as a male problem is rarely discussed. This is part of what makes it all the harder for his partner to process what’s going on. According to a survey of over 4,000 men and women in sexless marriages, published in Berkowitz and Berkowitz’s He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore, there are a number of reasons why men quit having sex. These include:
- His partner’s lack of sexual adventure or seemingly not enjoying sex
- Sexual boredom and the need for novelty
- His interest in sex with others
- Feeling angry at his partner, especially in cases where he feels controlled, criticized or insignificant
- Partner weight gain
- His preference for porn, which is replacing his reality
- Having a sexual disorder
- Alcohol/drug problems
- Physical or emotional health issues, including medications for such
Doubts about his marriage also made the list. So this could potentially be a reason for your husband’s loss of interest, with a number of factors lending themselves to such, including his issues with marriage in general (especially those based on family history of divorce) and whether he felt pressured to wed.
No matter what the reason for his low/no sex drive, this situation is best dealt with in seeking sex therapy or counseling, especially if the two of you are having trouble talking about issues. A professional can help the two of you to approach the situation holistically and be a safe space in which to analyze if marriage has changed anything, e.g., are there different expectations? In dealing with the situation, you need to start communicating about the issue, letting him know how you feel. Talk and truly listen – taking note of what’s being said "between the lines" and asking for more information when needed. Being proactive and recognizing how you’re contributing to the situation – and able to jointly resolve it – is the only way to get to a better place.
In analyzing how partners reacted to a man’s loss of libido, the Berkowitz team found that both men and women tended to shift responsibility away from themselves. Ultimately, this made for a stalemate situation, one where his partner felt bewildered, hurt, isolated and alone. So it’s not unusual for you to be having fantasies of others. This does not mean, however, that you’re likelier to cheat on your husband. People in solid relationships with good sex lives may also fantasize about others with no harm done to the relationship. Fantasies about others provide escape; they remind us of elements we want in our actual sex lives. They get us through these "bumps" in the road, which can be overcome with some commitment, patience, and effort.
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Sex Over 40
