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My wife has talked openly before that she is attracted to other women. We have talked about this subject quite a bit. She only likes lesbian porn, and I have caught her masturbating to it before (although I don't mind so much, as long as she doesn't hide it).Anyhow...recently she told me she found women more attractive than men and would probably be a lesbian if she didn't "like dick" so much.Then she said, "well...there's always strap-ons, dildos, etc." Then she turned to me and said, "but...I love you."I'm a bit confused since the subject matter is sexy, however, being with someone who isn't sexually attracted to me is a little concerning. What does this mean?
This question was submitted to the HSAB by an actual iFriends user, and answered for recent publication.
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Hi there. First, let me say that it is always good to hear from couples who are able to be open and honest with one another. I think that suggests a solid foundation on which to build your relationship. Since you did not give a lot of other detail about your relationship or your wife's history, I do not want to read too much into her comments, but clearly they have stirred some anxieties within you, so I hope I can offer you some insight.
It is not unusual that your wife prefers lesbian porn to heterosexual porn – I don't know of any statistics on this, but anecdotally I know other women, heterosexual and not, who feel the same way. Let's be honest – heterosexual porn is generally produced for heterosexual men, and many of the male actors are not exactly the sort that a straight woman might seek out on her own! Furthermore, the emphasis in this kind of porn on activities that appeal to straight men – fellatio, anal sex, etc. – is not always something that is attractive to all women. So there are reasons that straight women may prefer lesbian pornography that have nothing to do with their sexual orientation at all. Even in light of your wife's other comments about finding women more attractive than men, I wouldn't necessarily say that she is definitely lesbian or bisexual. I have heard other heterosexual women make similar comments as well. There is actually some very interesting research that has been done in the past several years showing that women tend to be more sexually flexible than men, and that even self-identified heterosexual women can find other women (e.g., lesbian porn) arousing in certain situations.
However, one's sexual orientation is about more than just what one finds sexually arousing. Sexual orientation is a complex set of variables including sexual attraction and arousal, romantic and social interest, and sexual experience, among other things. While your wife may be sexually interested in women, she may or may not be romantically attracted to them, willing to pursue experiences with them, and so on. In other words, your wife's behavior and statements do not indicate that she is definitely lesbian or bisexual. They also do not mean that she is not sexually attracted to you. It sounds as if she is willing to share her feelings and thoughts with you because she trusts you and loves you.
If this is something that continues to weigh on your mind, particularly if you are worried about the viability of your marriage as a result, it may be helpful to sit down and talk to her about your concerns. If she has been thinking about these issues herself, she will probably be able to tell you whether she thinks she is lesbian or bisexual, and from there the two of you can negotiate what that may mean for you as a couple. Should she reveal that she thinks she may be lesbian or bisexual, don't despair – given that she married you, it is likely that she loves you and is committed to your relationship. Many couples have faced these sort of issues and found solutions that suited them. It does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage, and it may in fact allow you to understand one another better, thus resulting in deeper trust, intimacy and commitment. If you find after you have such a conversation that you are unhappy with the outcome or uncomfortable with the situation, individual or couples counseling may also be in order.
I wish you the best of luck!
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Alternative Sexuality
