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My wife never starts an encounter. This really bothers me. She never denies me sex but never starts it either. I just wish she would come and take the bull by the horn once in her life. This makes me feel like she doesn't want me. I have talked to her about this and gets me nowhere. Any help?
This question was submitted to the HSAB by an actual iFriends user, and answered for recent publication.
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In looking at this issue, it’s best to start by examining your communication style. Are you whiny, bossy, nagging, impatient, blaming, or dominating? If so, your partner may not feel safe exploring this topic with you. Whether or not you or your partner would describe your communication around this issue as any of the aforementioned, consider how you can become a more effective communicator in broaching the subject. Strategies to employ include:
- Being genuine, as this contributes to each person’s sense of safety, respect, and feeling valued.
- Respecting and supporting your partner.
- Staying positive and using constructive language (in other words, don’t criticize).
- Being mindful of what you say and how you say it.
- Using loving critique, e.g., use terms of endearment.
- Thanking your partner for sharing.
- Asking questions that will get you more than a "yes/no" answer.
- Listening and clarifying that you understand by reflecting back, e.g., "Am I understanding you in full?"
- Inviting details with statements like "I’m listening" or "Tell me more."
- Validating your partner’s feelings, e.g., "I didn’t know that you felt that way. Let’s talk about what I/we can do."
- Reinforcing the importance of how your partner feels, including following up with each other the next day with something as simple as "I’m glad we talked."
You also want to make sure that you’re not minimizing or dismissing her fears or worries, that you’re not interrupting, or that you’re not using domineering, hostile, or sarcastic tones.
There could be any number of reasons why your wife isn’t open to initiating sex, with the fact that many women are raised with negative messages about sex being one of them. Many women are also taught that "good girls" don’t initiate, so she may be struggling with a number of issues around her sexuality, and/or feel incompetent in her abilities to initiate. In addition to engaging her effectively via communication, ask if she would be willing to go to couples counseling to discuss the matter. Having a safe third party present to validate her experiences and views may do her a world of good. Counseling would further allow for issues, like body image concerns, that trump one’s desire to initiate sex to be explored.
Also, seek out examples of empowered lovers that she may be able to model. This could be people in movies or in erotica books. Point out what you find attractive about sexual initiation and let her know that you have the utmost confidence in her abilities to seduce. She may just need ideas about what it is exactly that you want. More than anything, she needs to know that she’s supported in this. With time and patience, she may come out of her shell. You need to do everything you can in making her feel safe in doing so.
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Relationships
