|
|
|
I love my boyfriend very much. I have known him four years, sex is the greatest, he wants to get married, have kids, is very generous, and he has always been honest with me. Recently he went to a bachelor's party at a strip bar and told me he spent over 2 hours and $600 with a "very sexy, very good conversationalist, very entertaining" stripper at the VIP room, and "all I got to do was touch her, lick her tits, and rub her clit (supposedly with a latex glove) for two seconds." He said he was being open with me because he did nothing wrong, and it was all just entertainment for him. He also hinted he might go back because he really had a great time. So why do I feel very hurt and I can't seem to get over it and go on with him like we did before?
This question was submitted to the HSAB by an actual iFriends user, and answered for recent publication.
|
|
|
|
While we might both applaud your boyfriend’s honesty, it sounds as if you feel betrayed by the behaviors he’s being honest about – and not without reason. For people raised with conventional western assumptions such as those most of us hold in the United States, sexual intimacy of all sorts is usually regarded as nearly sacred; in a primary partnership such as the one you describe having with your boyfriend, it is also considered exclusive.
Certainly many people enjoy swinging, polyamory, mate swapping, and other sexual options with multiple partners, but these choices are likely not to be problematic only when they have been negotiated and consented to by all parties concerned. When either party in a primary relationship has not been consulted about another partner’s sexual behavior outside the partnership, or when a partner abrogates relationship agreements, the other person has reason to feel betrayed. If the behavior persists after the injured partner objects, the betrayed party might even feel abused. Without a mutual agreement between the two of you that your boyfriend can have sexual adventures away from you – and his activities with the stripper were exactly that – his honesty becomes little more than a mask for selfishness, and mocks the trust and intimacy that honesty can otherwise engender.
Of course, as I implied two sentences back, you have a responsibility in this matter too. If you have not told your boyfriend how you feel about his activities, he may well believe you appreciate his honesty just as he evidently hopes you do; your first step to repair your difficulty, then, would be to state clearly that you do not want him engaging in any sort of sexual activity with others if he intends to remain partnered with you.
If he persists in ignoring your wishes once you have told him how you feel, you will have to decide whether you want the relationship enough to put up with what will probably become – if it is not already – a lifelong pattern of his acting out without regard to your feelings.
|
The opinions, advice and information of the Experts and/or HSAB Advisors presented on this information resource are their own, and do not necessarily reflect those of WebPower, Inc./IFN (together, "IFN"). The Experts, and not IFN, are responsible for the accuracy and authority to provide the opinions, advice and information, as well as all referencing materials, expressed in their writings. IFN is not liable for any Expert intellectual property infringements, including without limitation plagiarism. IFN does not refer, endorse, recommend, verify, evaluate or guarantee any of the opinions, advice, information and other products or services provided by Experts, Advisors or Users, or any specific Expert, Advisor or User ,and nothing published herein shall be considered as a referral, endorsement, recommendation or guarantee of any Expert, Advisor or group of Advisors by IFN. The opinions, advice and information contained on IFN are not intended to be used as, and do not act as a substitute for, professional sexual, psychological or medical counseling. You should consult a sexual, psychological or medical professional for advice or treatment regarding any sexual, psychological or medical concerns.
|
TOPICS  |
|
|
Fantasy
