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I would welcome help from ANY of your experts. I am 44, my boyfriend is 48, and we have sex every 3 months or so. He is a wonderful, loving, caring person, but he has problems getting and maintaining erections as well as achieving orgasm - I believe this is known as "delayed ejaculation."So I do not ask for sex, or have not even brought up the topic, because I do not want to hurt him in any way. He has performed oral sex on me but does not like to receive it, and I'm pretty much stuck as to what I should do next. I also believe he has a low libido in general - sleeping naked next to someone with absolutely no response from him is a pretty good sign that something isn't right. This is a fairly new relationship - there is no one else in the picture, and I need some help. All emotional needs are being met - now I need to work on the physical. Thank you for listening.
This question was submitted to the HSAB by an actual iFriends user, and answered for recent publication.
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It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a warm and loving relationship, and clearly you feel that your emotional needs are being met. This is a wonderful place to start, because just as you are careful not to hurt him in any way, he is likely concerned about your feelings as well. However, while mutual concern is valuable in a relationship, avoidance of topics that may arouse discomfort in one’s partner limits opportunities for the relationship to deepen and grow and for you to express your needs.
You are currently in a relationship where you do not feel that your sexual needs are being met, yet, because you are not sure how to express this concern and are careful not to hurt your boyfriend’s feelings, it is you who carries the distress. It is unclear to me, and likely to you as well, if and to what extent your boyfriend experiences distress about the lack of sexual intimacy. Without discussing his sexuality and sexual needs with him, it is difficult to know how to work on improving the situation.
My advice would be to first find a time and a place to have a conversation about your sexual relationship. It should not take place in the bedroom, but the environment should be private, intimate, and relaxed. I would avoid, at least initially, using words that focus on issues related to sexual function, such as erection, ejaculation, libido, and intercourse. Instead, perhaps try to get a sense from your partner of whether he feels satisfied with the physical intimacy between you. You may then want to let him know that you feel so attached to him emotionally that you want to be able to express this in more meaningful and frequent sexual encounters together.
You cannot know in advance how he will react. He may be relieved, he may be defensive, or he may even get upset. This does not mean he doesn’t love you. He needs to be able to react, and you need to be able to contain his reaction without taking it personally. If he feels that you want to partner with him in working on enhancing your sexual relationship, rather than just expecting him to function better, then it is likely that he will allow himself to be vulnerable to talking about and dealing with whatever sexual function issues he has.
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Sexual Challenges
