It can be hard on a couple’s relationship when the two people involved have differing needs for privacy and propriety. I am speaking from personal experience, as I tend to be the "big mouth" in my own relationships. There have been many times when I have spoken too loud in public about something-or-other (usually sex) and then looked across the table at my partner who was cringing and blushing furiously. I am also very cuddly and affectionate and once dated a person who found public displays of affection to be embarrassing. LGBT couples often have unique concerns about privacy, particularly with respect to outness – friends of mine (a lesbian couple) are often at odds about who they should come out to and when to do so. These are only a few examples of the ways that couples’ different wants and needs in relationships can cause friction.

If you are in a relationship where differing needs for privacy have become an issue, I want to offer the following hopeful message – this CAN be overcome, with work, patience, and understanding from both partners. My late spouse and I had wildly differing needs for privacy but managed to reach some compromises that made our relationship workable, and so with that in mind, I want to offer the following advice to others. The first thing that will help you in addressing this relationship issue is to realize it is not personal. Just because your partner asks you not to discuss private relationship issues with your friends does not mean he or she is ashamed of your relationship. Just because your partner shares intimate details of your life with friends does not mean she or he does not respect you. For GLBT people, just because your partner is not as open about his or her sexuality as you are does not mean he or she is necessarily a victim of internalized homophobia. Need for openness/privacy is attributable to some basic personality differences, so please realize that your partner is not specifically trying to antagonize you by needing different boundaries than yours.

Overcoming relationship difficulties requires three major components – communication, commitment, and compromise. I will presume that if you are reading this and concerned about your relationship, you are committed to working within it to fix difficulties you may be facing, so I will limit my advice to working on communication and compromise.

Communication
Good communication is the basis for a solid, healthy relationship. Research shows that happy couples are better communicators than unhappy couples. Unfortunately, we are not necessarily taught how to communicate, particularly in intimate relationships, and this can create barriers to understanding. The following suggestions are drawn from research on communication in intimate relationships:

Clarify your own boundaries. Part of good communication, particularly with respect to this issue, is knowing and being able to explain your own boundaries. If there are things you absolutely do not want your partner to share with others (for example, intimate details of your sex life), let him or her know that. Your partner is not a mind reader and any information you can give him or her to understand your boundaries will help.
Use "I" language. While discussing any relationship issues, refrain from using accusatory language or tones. Instead, focus on your own responses to the issue at hand – for example, "I feel _________ when you _________."

Be specific. Whether you are the person in need of greater privacy or greater openness, think of specific examples of the behavior that is causing problems. It is often easy to generalize in relationships, to say, for instance, "You ALWAYS embarrass me!" However, such generalization is ultimately detrimental because it obscures specific concerns and does not acknowledge the efforts of the other person. Instead, try to focus on specifics: "I feel very uncomfortable when you discuss our sex toys at the dinner table with my parents."

Work on your listening skills. It is not enough to be able to clearly articulate your own concerns – you must also be able to hear your partner’s concerns. For instance, if you are part of an LGBT couple and your partner is shyer about your relationship than you are, do not only focus on your complaints and feelings. Ask him or her, "What makes you uncomfortable about my public displays of affection?" You might find out that you are misunderstanding the concern. For instance, you may think that your partner is ashamed of her or his sexuality, but instead find that he or she is just uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Understanding this may change your own emotional reaction to the situation.

Compromise
Communication is only half the battle. You and your partner must also be willing and able to compromise to find workable solutions for issues of openness and privacy. Compromise first involves returning to the question of your own boundaries. Perhaps you and your partner argue because he or she wants to keep everything in your relationship private, while you are inclined to talk about your relationship openly. It may be that there are some things it is very important for you to be able to share, while other things are not as important. You may not even realize it until you think it through, but knowing this gives you some room for compromise – some things to sacrifice on behalf of your relationship.

Consider the context. If you are in a GLBT relationship and your partner is not as out as you are, ask whether it is absolutely necessary that he or she be out in every life context. You may find that it really doesn’t matter to you whether your partner is out at work, as long as he or she is open with family and friends about your relationship. Furthermore, especially with GLBT relationships, there may be an aspect of personal safety that your partner is concerned about. If you are in an environment that seems hostile toward GLBT individuals, it might not be the best time to insist that your partner hold your hand.

Offer workable solutions. Once you have a list of specific complaints rather than generalizations, start to brainstorm with your partner about how you can solve these problems. For instance, if your partner feels that you speak about sexual topics too loudly in public, perhaps he or she can develop a signal to let you know that you are embarrassing him, such as discreetly touching his or her ear. This will give you a signal to remind you that you might perhaps tone down the topic of conversation. Or, if your partner is less comfortable with public displays of affection than you are, perhaps you can find a less-demonstrative (but still meaningful) nonverbal way to communicate affection, such as squeezing each other’s hands to say, "I love you." This, of course, should work both ways – if you are the more private person in the couple, realize that it is important for your partner to be able to share things openly, and work on becoming more comfortable with some level of disclosure.

Keep your end of the bargain. If you have reached this point, hopefully you and your partner have developed a clear understanding of one another’s boundaries, an appreciation for how violating those boundaries affects your partner’s emotional responses (and vice versa), a list of specific behaviors that have caused problems, and some clear, specific solutions to those problems. Now comes the hard part – making certain you follow the guidelines you agree on. Of course, no one is perfect and everyone may backslide from time to time, but it is important for each of you to follow through on your agreements. As an impulsive person myself, I know how difficult it can be to rein in the tendency to blurt things out. However, if in doing so I embarrass my partner, I am not keeping my commitment to him or her.

Maintenance
I hope that this advice has been helpful for you in working through relationship problems regarding privacy and openness. However, as I said initially, some of our need for privacy or openness may be related to fundamental personality differences, which are difficult to change. It may be that you reach compromise about these issues and then find yourself fighting the same battles in 6 months or a year. If that is the case, it may help to revisit this advice at that time and to work through the same issues again. Perhaps the context will have changed, or perhaps new concerns will have emerged. It is not a bad thing for you to re-address relationship problems, particularly if you can manage to do so in a compassionate manner. Don’t be afraid to call attention to it when small problems creep back into your relationship – it is far better than ignoring them and letting them become big problems! Good luck to you and yours!