Welcome to The Joy Spot. I’m Dr. Joy Davidson. I’m a Health and Science advisory board member, a psychologist, and a certified sex therapist based in New York City. My website is JoyDavidson.com.
I receive a lot of letters from men asking me how they can convince their wives or girlfriends to give them oral sex. I’ve received similar letters – though not nearly as many – from women who want to know how to get their partners to go down on them, too. So it would seem that oral sex isn’t quite the staple on everyone’s sex menu that most people assume it is.
Let’s understand that people who say no to oral usually aren’t happy about denying their partners. They know that most people enjoy oral, yet they can’t get past their own anxiety or distaste. So if you’re the partner who is hoping to convince your mate to give oral a shot, your best bet is to erase the word "convince" from your vocabulary. Instead, slow down and talk to them about what they imagine the act will be like, and what part might be yucky. Really listen sympathetically without arguing or saying they’re wrong, until you have a clear sensory picture of what disturbs them. You can’t constructively address the problem until you know exactly what they imagine will happen.
Whether we’re talking about going down on a man or a woman, the issues that provoke anxiety are usually similar. People worry about cleanliness and secretions. They fear smells or tastes that they’ll find unpleasant. They fear messiness. They fear ejaculations – whether from a man or a woman – and they’re scared they’ll feel like they’re suffocating or choking. They also fear their partner getting aggressive or forceful, like in movies. Interestingly, all of these fears have a common thread – there’s a mystery about what it’s really like to be orally intimate, and worries about being out of control, being forced to endure something that will feel overwhelming. Given this, you can see why any insistence from a partner would only feed the existing negativity. So it’s important that the person who’s over-eager to receive oral step back and try some compassion and empathy. Without empathy, their partner won’t trust them enough to experiment. And experimentation is the name of the game if things are ever going to change.
To those of you who are reluctant to try oral, I want to say that if you’re willing to take a chance, I can offer a non-threatening experiment designed to respect your worries. If you’re open to giving this a try, you’ll be able to maintain total control as you see if if there’s something about oral you actually like. I’m going to describe to you a way you can dip your toe in the water, so to speak. For simplicity’s sake, as I describe this experiment, I’m going to use a female pronoun when I refer to the person who will be the giver. But be aware that this could just as easily be a man.
The first step is something that you’ve probably done many times. Take a shower or bath together. This time, however, you’ll take turns gently soaping each other’s genital areas and rinsing them off. When you’re done, dry each other with a fluffy towel and go cuddle up someplace comfortable.
The next step involves something new. The giver begins to gently, affectionately, nuzzle her partner’s genital area with her lips, as if she were going to place a dozen little kisses around the area. She can nestle her cheek against her partner’s penis or vulva, and if she’s so inclined she can taste it with her tongue...just a little lick. The idea is to do only what feels safe, for only as long as you feel good about it – even if it’s just for a minute or two as you begin this new kind of intimacy. The receiver only has to relax and enjoy. It’s probably not a good idea to put a hand on your partner’s head, though, not even to stroke her hair – because even the slightest gesture might feel like impending pressure. So, bask in the attention, and let her do as she pleases. Do be sure to tell her how good her lips feel on your sensitive skin, though.
Understand that even a few minutes of the lightest oral contact may seem like a huge leap for someone who has been avoiding putting her mouth down there at all. Yet, if she likes this experience there will be other times...and next time maybe she’ll want to take it a little further. My advice to the giver is to try pushing yourself just a little bit further each time. Do something new, or do it longer. But this has to your choice – your control – your time frame.
In the meantime, to those receivers who were hoping for hotter action sooner – please don’t get impatient and aggressive, or sloppy about cleanliness. Always be sweet smelling before playing. And make sure oral remains foreplay – not a way to get off – until and unless your partner tells you she’s ready to push that boundary. And by the way, I hope you will be reciprocating! Since one of you has no issues around giving oral, be generous in showing your partner how much you enjoy giving the kind of pleasure you’re asking for.
Men, always be sure to stop before you risk losing control – especially if your partner has voiced concerns about ejaculation or swallowing. For women, don’t expect your partner to dive in and start sucking out your juices the second or third time you try this. That’s usually the part that feels most like a mystery to novices, who might hesitate because they don’t know if they’ll like what they find. If that’s one of your partner’s concerns, try resting a soft towel against your vaginal area so that moisture is absorbed while she grows accustomed to tonguing around your clitoris. As she starts to enjoy it more, chances are she’ll get rid of the cloth on her own.
Keep in mind that it may take many weeks, even months, for someone who has avoided oral to actually relish it. In some cases, that may never happen. Hopefully, if it doesn’t work out, you’ll find many other ways to enjoy each other. When it comes to sex, everybody is idiosyncratic. The same person who is reticent about oral might have no qualms about anal or something else that makes you think, "wow, that’s pretty kinky." You just never know. The trick is being sensitive to your partner’s and your own little quirks and accepting them with kindness and generosity.
Thanks for watching this episode of the Joy Spot. I invite you to have a look at some of the other Joy Spot videos. And for more information about sex, love, and health, please visit me at JoyDavidson.com, where you can look for my ebooks, or on loveandhealth.info, or please follow me on Twitter.
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